Wedding receptions promote thoughts of sin

Wedding receptions make me think that breaking the commandments might not be so bad. I'm not talking about your wedding reception, of course. I just loved that one. No, I'm talking about all the other wedding receptions that I have to attend.

My biggest problem is that I'm a wedding reception dork. I don't know what to say to the bride (Hey, it's really great he didn't knock you up first) or what to say to the parents of the groom (I heard [groom's name] has a good chance of beating that drug charge). Half the time I don't really even know anyone well enough to do more than speculate about the weather (There's a tornado warning in Eastern Kansas, can you believe that?). And talking about the weather at a wedding reception is a major faux pas.

All of my wedding reception dorkiness leads to major embarrassment, and yes, down right humiliation. Why couldn't the bride's mom put together a bunch of inane little sayings on business card size slips of paper that would allow dorks like me to read off something that shows class and good breeding (I saw cousin Jimmy at Del Taco and he said y'all we're getting hitched for tax purposes. I knew y'all was always big on screwing the gov'ment.).

Instead, I find myself wondering how nice it would have been if the bride and groom had just moved in together, sparing everyone the cost and discomfort of a reception. Or what if there was a little bowl of Valium at the door? A couple of those, and even if I was dorky, I wouldn't remember it the next day. How about a nice alcoholic beverage?


Let's face it, me at a wedding reception is just not pretty, no matter how you slice it. So if you're working with a guest list and you just don't know who to cut, may I suggest you place I nice thin line through my name? You'll be doing everyone a favor, I guarantee it.

Earth Day 2009

I think the whole earth day thing is a good idea. We'd all be better off if we took good care of the planet. I actually even want to support it. But I've come to the conclusion today that I have a long way to go before I can say that I'm earth friendly. For on this very day, I broke the following taboos:

• I called the black, medium-sized ants in my bathroom bad names, and then squished them with my finger and washed them down the sink. I just can't think friendly thoughts about ants. These ants are particularly annoying, because they don't have the common courtesy to come out in large enough numbers so that I can tell where they're coming from. So I am continuously squishing their scouts. Hope to piss them off enough to evoke a full scale war.
  
• I sprayed a half-built wasp nest off the side of my house. I hate wasps even more than ants. Couldn't kill the wasp that was making the nest, though, even though I ambushed it three times. Darn sucker can take a lot of water and still fly away. But I did manage to squirt down a couple of yellow jackets, which I promptly squished under my sneaker. Ooh, that brings me even more happiness than squishing ants.
  
• I created environmental hell by barbecuing hamburgers. Yes, I know that this is a double sin, because cows produce a lot of the greenhouse gases, and the smoke from my barbecue looked like a two-alarm fire. I tried to compensate for this by not emitting my own methane, but failed. Make that a triple sin.

Poor mother earth.

Small Dog Syndrome

Recently as I was searching for a small dog for Little J, I ran across a few articles about Small Dog Syndrome (SDS). Signs of SDS include being yappy, nippy, aggressive, hostile, possessive, jealous, and demanding. I had read only a few paragraphs before I could no longer deny the truth--Little J has a classic case of SDS. The evidence:

Claiming the human: Dogs with SDS are very possessive of their human and want constant attention. They sit on their human without asking, demand to be petted and entertained, and growl when others try to usurp their position.

Comparison: Little J sits on me all the time, even though she is nine.

Warning: Dog handlers note that humans let dogs get away with this type of behavior because humans think the dog is showing love. But they're not showing love, they're just claiming space and asserting dominance.

Sleeping positions: Dogs with SDS always seek the most comfortable place to sleep, often on the human's pillow.

Comparison: Little J is always trying to sleep in my bed because she thinks it is the most comfortable place to sleep.

Warning: Dog handlers claim that the most comfortable sleeping position always goes to the pack leader. To let the dog claim that spot is to allow the dog to become the pack leader over the human.

Jumping up on humans: Dogs with SDS jump up on humans whenever they want.

Comparison: Little J is always trying to jump up into my arms and to get me to hold her.

Warning: Dog handlers suggest that humans let little dogs get away with this type of behavior because it is cute and because they interpret the dog's behavior to mean that the dog is glad to see them. However, for dogs, jumping up is a sign of dominance. So when the dog jumps up on the human, the dog is claiming the position of pack leader.

Leading while walking: Dogs with SDS will always walk in front of the human while on walks, instead of beside or behind the human. They will sniff and relieve themselves where ever and whenever they want.

Comparison: Little J usually takes the lead position during walks. Although she has yet to relieve herself during a walk or sniff at trees and fire hydrants, she nonetheless wanders off the sidewalk and investigates whatever interests her.

Warning: Dog handlers insist that pack leaders are the ones that lead in a pack walk. When the dog asserts his place as being in front, he is claiming to be pack leader.

Conclusion: Little J has SDS.

Recommended procedures: Reassert my position as pack leader by making her eat after I eat. Make her obey a simple command, like "sit," before giving her food, playing with her, or taking her on a walk. Take her for a pack walk at least once daily, making sure that she either walks beside me or behind me. Use my finger to poke her when she sits on my lap until she moves off. Do not allow her to eat whenever she wants.

Sounds like good advice to me.

Revenge of the Squirrels

As if global warming and the recession weren't bad enough, now Americans must deal with an even greater threat--flaming squirrels.

In October of last year, a New Jersey woman was attacked by a kamikaze squirrel. As she sat in her Toyota Camry, a flaming squirrel fell onto the hood of her car, slipped into the engine compartment, and set off an explosion. Fortunately, the woman survived the attack. On the other hand, the car was completely destroyed. Even Japanese engineers, as clever as they are, never foresaw the possibility of a brutal flaming squirrel attack.

And just today, another flaming squirrel set fire to a field next to an elementary school in Jones, Oklahoma. In a clear case of escalation, the squirrel seemed to be targeting children. Once again, no human lives were lost, largely due to the heroic efforts of local fire fighters.

It seems that the squirrel population is no longer content with raiding bird feeders and boy scout back packs. They are now involved in terrorism, too. Despite the recent destruction by the increasingly hostile squirrel population, the US Government is still refusing to take them seriously, as was clear from President Obama's failure to address the growing problem in his recent inaugural speech. Hopefully we won't have to wait until a flaming squirrel takes down a skyscraper before we take this threat seriously. The US cannot afford to face another 9/11.

I'll take your word on that

We came out of church today and it was bitter cold. The roads were solid sheets of ice and the wind was blowing. Little Julia, the same girl known for spontaneously dishing out noogies in singing time, was wearing a thin little coat over her dress as she crossed the parking lot. I asked her if she was going to walk home, and she said that she was. I encouraged her to get a ride home with her parents so she wouldn't freeze to death. She gave me a fearless, toothless grin, and said, "I won't get cold. I could take off all of my clothes and be naked in the snow and I'd be all right." I didn't have anything to say to that. Knowing Julia, she might actually be speaking from experience.

Marianne's Birthday Party

Little J's webkinz pink poodle Marianne had a birthday today. Of course she felt the need to throw a birthday party. So she invited all of the girls in the neighborhood who owned webkinz to come over for games, cupcakes, and lots of very loud talking. It was a huge hit, and most of the girls stayed much longer than anticipated.

Webkinz owners deep in the middle of a game of Monopoly.

Kara trying to decide whether to buy a house or not.

The banker, Little J, following the action.

Not shaving, growing a beard, and staying employed

I began the Christmas break by taking a stand against shaving. After about three days, people started asking me if I was growing a beard. I assured them that I wasn't. I got a lot of strange looks. For most people, not shaving and growing a beard are the same thing. For me, not shaving means not using the razor at all for a period of time. Growing a beard, on the other hand, requires occasional shaving. Consequently, not shaving is much better than growing a beard.

Despite how much I enjoy not shaving, about Day 9 I had to shave my lower neck to keep myself from scratching raw sores in my neck. This led to further reflection, in which I concluded that growing a beard, while not as glorious as going without shaving, is nonetheless easier than shaving every day. Below is a picture of me in the beard growing phase.


The beard growing phase, however, must come to an abrupt end on January 5, because I cannot go to work with a beard and remain employed. I realize now that I have a somewhat circular value system related to shaving:

1. Not shaving is the best UNTIL you begin to scratch your face off, after which...
2. Growing a beard is the best UNTIL you are threatened with losing your job, after which...
3. Shaving everyday (and being able to go to work) is the best UNTIL the next break from school comes along, after which... [return to #1].

I realize now that peace, harmony, and happiness come from following the shaving cycles of the universe. I'm having a total zen moment.