And here's today's lineup...

I went to a wedding reception on Thursday evening. Steverino's oldest daughter got hitched. Considering that Steverino is one of my closest friends, and that I know all of his family fairly well, walking through the reception line should have been a breeze. After all, Steverino and I have been in so many different situations together, and I have never once been at a loss for words. In fact, some of my best lines have come from those situations, including my online persona of Splinger Moosebutt. But stick him in a tuxedo and place him in a wedding reception line and all of a sudden I don't know what to say.

As I approached him, my mind was racing for just the right line. I kept drawing a blank, so in desperation I went with something like, "Lookin' good." How lame is that? Guys who are close show that closeness by always leading off with a jab, like, "Wow, did your mother dress you for this?" or "I've seen two-month old corpses that looked better in a tux than you, and they only had half their teeth." Then he'd say something like, "Not even my mom would have dressed you in what you're wearing," or "Keep it up and you'll have similar dental problems as your two-month old corpses." And then we'd chuckle, each knowing that our friendship was solid.

But lead with a line like, "Lookin' good," and what's he supposed to say? "You, too"? And pretty soon we'd be sounding like two women at a Relief Society function. Oh, the shame, the absolute humiliation! Nothing can ruin a friendship between guys faster than civility.

In my opinion, wedding lines may be the biggest reason why guys dislike wedding receptions. Once the guy is through the line, he can dig into food and ditch his date for the companionship of other like-minded guys who are either "fixing up" the married couple's car or planning how to slip the groom an extra-large, glow-in-the-dark con...uh...condominium just before he cuts the wedding cake. Now there are some great ways to strengthen guy relationships.

Personally, I think that guys should be exempt from the wedding line if small talk is expected. If we could go through the wedding line and just high-five everyone, or perhaps act like our favorite animal and then have a competition between the bride and groom to guess what the animal was, the wedding line would be a lot less traumatic. Guys might begin to have a whole different perspective toward weddings and marriage in general. At the very least, the groom's father should provide a bowl with slips of paper in it containing suitable statements to say as the guy goes through the line. As the guy approached the line, he could just grab one of those slips of paper and go with whatever it said, knowing fully well that everyone in the line would not blame him for whatever came out of his mouth, because it wouldn't be his fault. It would the groom's father's fault! And nobody really likes him, anyway, because he doesn't really even do much for the wedding. A perfect solution.

So Steverino, now you know what to do for the next wedding reception. Or you could just have someone waiting at the entrance to direct me straight to the cake. That's probably your safest bet, anyway.