The Cheesecake Issue

Living in Utah has taught me that all elections can be boiled down to one or two key issues. For most people around me, these issues are abortion and gay marriage. Any candidate or piece of legislation that is against these two things is instantly credible. There seem to be no other issues worth considering.

I am personally offended by such a close-minded approach to voting. It's not that I mind elections being pared down to one or two key issues. If they weren't, I might actually have to think a little. Who knows what I might sprain in the process. No, the problem with Utah people is that they consistently fail to identify the single most crucial issue facing us--the lack of a Cheesecake Factory Restaurant anywhere in Utah Valley. By those in the know, this is often referred to as the cheesecake issue.

I studiously watched the debate last night, waiting in vain for one of the two presidential candidates to have the moral fiber and courage to address the cheesecake issue. Instead, all I got was a discussion of how to fix the economy, what to do about health care, and a pitiful mewing sound from John McCain about how his feelings had been hurt by John Lewis. No one had the guts to say that all Americans have the right to a Cheesecake Factory. Don't they realize that unless Cheesecake Factories are equally distributed throughout the US, they are implicitly supporting class, race and ethnic warfare? The welfare of our nation is being undermined.

Personally, I love the Cheesecake Factory. They have a huge menu, and the entrees are delicious. Who would have guessed that their non-cheesecake food would be any good? After all, I, like most Americans, would be willing to sit through a mediocre meal for the superb cheesecake dessert. But that just doesn't happen at the Cheesecake Factory. They make sure you can't keep from stuffing yourself with your meal before you try to take on a delicious slice of heaven. There's an issue that I wish my legislators would address.

Honestly, I would vote for anyone who promised to bring a Cheesecake Factory to Utah Valley. I wouldn't even care if they were lying. For me, just acknowledging the existence of this crucial issue would be enough to win my vote. So John and Barack, if you're listening, what me and Joe the Plumber really want is a Cheesecake factory, not tax relief or economic stimulus or health care or affordable education. Appease the sweet tooth of the masses and all will be well. Ignore it, and that sweet tooth might just bite you in the tush.