War of the Worlds Deja Vu

I took half a day off today because I have a bad cold. It's the first really bad cold that I've had in probably a decade. Usually when I catch a cold, I have much more mild symptoms than anyone else in the family. Today was different. I had a fever and felt like my head was going to explode.

That was not the worst part, though. What I hate most about having a cold is that I begin to emit massive amounts of gross, slimy liquids. Not only is it completely unattractive, but anyone who comes in contact with me runs the risk of becoming mutant slime monsters themselves. People cringe and back away when I come into a room. Some even cover their noses and their mouths with a hand, as if that will really protect them from the slime germs that are buzzing around me like flies around a garbage can. I feel so disgusting.

Sometimes it gets so bad that I think I could rival the dying Martians from War of the Worlds. You know that scene where the walking space ships become vulnerable to human weapons, and one of the machines finally crashes to the ground? And then the door on the machine opens and an alien washes out covered in its own self-produced mucus slime? I felt almost that slimy today. It was as if I was constantly in danger of being washed downhill in my own mucus. YUCK!

Seriously, I'll take an injury over a cold any day of the week. Broken ribs? Immediate sympathy. Back pain? People start doing stuff for you. But a cold? People are only willing to help out if they can keep their distance by using one of those grabber things that janitors use to pick up trash without having to bend over. Even then they are holding their breath and maintaining a crouched position so they can dart away if you start to sneeze or cough. In fact, I bet that right now you are probably leaning away from your computer screen despite the fact that your brain is telling you there's no possible way you can catch my cold through a web browser. Am I right?

All I can do right now is mop up my slime with boxes of tissues and look forward to the day when I am no longer a walking, dripping glob of mucus. And if things get really bad, I'll watch War of the Worlds and be glad that I'm not drowning in my own slime. Yet.