Old Moosebutt: Whimpey defeated by not-so-Whimpey opponents

[Originally written November 7, 2007] The election results are in, and it is clear that the people of Orem do not want "a strong voice for the people." Michael J. Whimpey, the man who dared to ask others to "like Mike," was soundly defeated in local elections yesterday by Black, Seastrand, and Hernandez III (sort of like Rocky III except without the mohawk-sporting, bejeweled Mr. T). Analysts point to the loss as strong evidence that even a well chosen slogan cannot overcome a disastrously discrediting surname.

"I really thought that in the end it wouldn't make that much difference," said Whimpey in response to the suggestion that his last name might have been an insurmountable obstacle to winning a seat on the Orem City Council. "I did everything else correctly. I had a slogan. I handed out buttons. I used power yellow as a background color on all of my signs. I strongly refuted all assertions that I was the eighth dwarf. I don't see what I could have done differently."

"He could have changed his last name," stated Margaret Black. "Not that that would have changed the election results," she clarified. Black wooed voters with her searing, acrid criticism of the other candidates. "I wanted voters to perceive me as the anti-Whimpey," she confided.

Seastrand and Hernandez declined to comment on Whimpey's surname, although they both chuckled when questioned. Sumner, on the other hand, expressed relief that Whimpey had not won. "If Mike had beat me, I would have felt like a real loser. After all, in this city, only a corpse would have lost to an opponent whose last name reminds the voters of the democratic party. And even then, the election would have been close."

"I'm not a democrat," squealed Whimpey in response. "I am a republican. I drive a Hummer. I voted for school vouchers. I dressed up as the Governator for Halloween. You can't get any more republican than that."

"Whimpey doesn't even know how pathetic he really is," responded acid-spewing Councilwoman Black. "The wimp wouldn't last a week in the pressure cooker we refer to as the city council. The first accusation of accepting a bribe or misappropriating funds would have him wetting his pants." That brought on another round of chuckles from Seastrand and Hernandez. Then the three turned and walked off toward city hall, whistling 'Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to work I go' as they left.